Lovely Joke

This is how Army policy all begins…

Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water.

Continue until, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes try to prevent it.

Now, turn off the cold water.

Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.

After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?

"Because that’s the way it’s always been around here."

That’s how Army policy begins…

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A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That’s not it" and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist
concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That’s it."

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In this particular branch of the Army’s officer training school, the instructor
was returning a test. The students identified their work by the last four digits of their Social Security number.

In the early hours of a morning, the instructor was calling the numbers. “Four-seven-seven-zero?” he asked.

“Here,” replied one half-awake lieutenant-to-be. Taking the paper, though, he realized he had mistakenly asked for the wrong paper.

“Seven-zero-seven-five?” asked the instructor.

“Here,” repeated the student, gearing for trouble.

“I thought you were four-seven-seven-zero, soldier,” spoke the teacher.

“That’s right, sir,” answered our hero. “I have a nick-number.”

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I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan and one requirement was a
demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.
An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would
ever come.

“Men,” our sergeant yelled, “You’re doing a FINE job. We’ve already covered four miles!”

Revitalized, we picked up the pace.

“And,” continued Sarge, “we should reach the
starting point any minute now.”

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My father, an Army major, was conducting a field test when communications went
dead. Immediately, he jumped into a jeep and ordered a sergeant to speed to the
command station.

When my father and the sergeant ran in, the group cheered their arrival. The commanding
officer then stepped forward and shook my father’s hand. “Don’t congratulate me, sir,” my father said modestly as he pointed to his driver. “It was all the sergeant’s doing.”

The commanding officer nodded and turned to the sergeant. “Congratulations,” he said. “The major’s wife just had a baby girl.”

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Top Ways The Army Is Trying To Boost Recruiting

8. Military transport flights now earn you Delta frequent flier miles

7. Where else can you shoot guns and get awakened in the middle of the night by loud explosions besides New York, Chicago and Detroit?

6. Get rid of all those creepy "Richard Simmons Wants You" posters

5. Intelligence spy satellite may be used to watch television 24 hours a day

4. Superiors may now be addressed as "Dude"

3. Make it so every hand grenade has a creamy nougat center

2. Next mission: all-out invasion of Temptation Island

1. New slogan "Army of One" replaces "Hope You Like Scrubbing Latrines!"

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While my six-year-old daughter of the space age and I were reviewing some old photographs, we came across a picture of me when I was a captain in the Army Reserves.

“Daddy, were you in a war?”

“Yes,” I fibbed, just to see what her reaction would be.

Wide-eyed, she gasped, “Against what planet?”

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One of my first jobs as a new Army lieutenant in Vietnam was to build a road
across a rice paddy. Progress was slow because the paddy devoured most of the dirt we laid down. My superior officer, a major, appeared one day, determined to speed things
up.

His solution was to scrape the crust off the top of the paddy and with it, construct the road. He quelled my protestations with a stern, “Lieutenant, *I’m* in charge.”

He ordered a bulldozer into the paddy, but the massive monster sank in the muck. Undaunted, the major ordered another dozer to help the first one out. It, too, was soon
stuck. After a long silence, the major got into his jeep. His departing words were,
“Lieutenant, you’re in charge.”

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A soldier was asked to report to the headquarters sergeant for an assignment.
The sergeant said, “We have a critical shortage of typists. I’ll give you a
little test. Type this,” he ordered, giving him a pamphlet to copy and a sheet of paper, and pointing to a desk across the room that held a typewriter and an adding machine.

The man, quite reluctant to become a clerk typist, made a point of typing very slowly, and saw to it that his work contained as many errors as possible.

The sergeant gave the typed copy only a brief glance. “That’s fine,”" he said. “Report for work at 8 tomorrow.”

“But aren’t you going to check the test?” the prospective clerk asked.

The sergeant grinned. “You passed the test,” he replied, “when you sat down at the typewriter instead of at the adding machine.”

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The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here."

The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here."

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but…"

"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."

"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."

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