Lovely Joke

Proper Diskette Usage and Care
Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the disk and corrode the innermechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" drives.
Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photocopy machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into your drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written onto both disks. A handy tip for more legible backup copies: Keep a container of iron filings at your desk. When you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings liberally between the diskettes before inserting them into the drive.
Diskettes should not be removed or inserted into the drive while the red light is on or flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is hooking, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the slot.
If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (data compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all openings with Scotch tape to prevent loss of data.
Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.
Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading…
You can keep your data fresh by storing disks in the vegetable compartment of your refrigerator. Disks may be frozen, but remember to unthaw by microwaving or briefly immersing in boiling water.
"Little" diskettes must be removed from their box prior to use. These containers are childproof to prevent tampering by unknowledgeable youngsters.
You can recover data from a damaged disk by using the DOS command FORMAT/U, or alternately by scratching new sector marks on the disk with a nail file.
Diskettes become "hard" with age. It’s important to back up your "hard" disks before they become too brittle to use. Make sure you label your data. Staples are good way to permanently affix labels to your disks

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Custom Software
My old boss had spent some time writing software packages for this particular program. The software usually came as source code and was executed through an
interpreter. He started a small business selling his custom software.
One day at a scientific meeting, he noticed another company was showing the software
with ’remarkably’ similar functionality as his own. He wandered over to watch the demo and the longer he watched, the more familiar it looked.
Eventually, when the sales gerbil had gathered a good crowd, he asked in a rather loud voice, “Are you using my copyrighted copy for this?”
“Of course not!” the sales gerbil replied.
“So, what happens if you press [key combination]?”
“Nothing.”
“Well, humor me. Do it for me.”
“Ok, sir, but I can assure it you does . . .” and upon pressing the keys . . .
the large screen popped up my boss’ copyright notice.
It was widely accepted as the biggest laugh of the show

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Amish Computer Scandal
Caught On Tape!
Amish Computer Scandal Shocks Community.
BIRD-IN-HAND, PENNSYLVANIA: In a recent sting operation, the Amish Bureau of Internal Affairs seized literally hundreds of dollars of unauthorized electronic equipment from the backwoods tool shed of Jeremiah and Ezekiel Holzmann. The brothers were in the process of downloading email when the raid took place. Most of the computer equipment taken was apparently purchased at Pagan Electronic swap meets, using fake identification and false mustaches to hide their Amishness.
The chief investigator said that they were aware of rumors that the Holzmann brothers were secretly supplying information about the Amish to outsiders, who were then using the information for an Amish web page.
The incident shocked the people who knew the Holzmanns. "They were such good people," said Anna Zimmerman, the next door neighbor. "They are leaders in our little church even. But now this" Her husband, Jake, mentioned that the Holzmanns always seemed to be carrying boxes wrapped in brown paper from their wagon to the tool shed. "Whenever I would ask them what they had in the box, they always told me that it was spare parts for their butter churn. It breaks down a lot."
The equipment consisted mainly of older model computers, such as old TRS-80s and MacIntosh computers. The brothers claimed that since they were using obsolete technology, they should not be punished.
"These are not real computers," claimed Ezekiel Holzmann. "We never even touched a 486, let alone a Pentium. We are using 9600 baud modems, and we powered them by hooking up a generator to the butter churn."
Their story collapsed when investigators uncovered an invoice proving that they had ordered a Pentium Pro 233mHz from an undisclosed computer company in South Dakota. When confronted with the invoice, Jeremiah Holzmann fell to his knees, crying for forgiveness.
"I told Ezekiel that it would escalate. It started with a desire to get an electric alarm clock so we could get up on time to milk the cows, but then we found a C64 at a barn sale. Soon, we kept wanting more and more equipment, until finally we were reduced to this!"
They were sentenced to three years in an Amish Re-education Clinic, where Jeremiah plans to write a book about his shameful addiction to technology. When he mentioned the possibility of an interactive CD-ROM of the book, he was then sentenced to six years.

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Windows 31
Customer: "I have Windows Thirty One."
Tech Support: "Ok, this program requires either Windows 95 or Win32s. Do you have Win32s on your system?"
Customer: "No, I have Windows Thirty One, not Thirty Two."
Tech Support: "Windows 3.1 is the operating system. Win32s is a program that makes your computer fast like Windows 95."
Customer: "What’s Windows Ninety Five got to do with it?"
Tech Supprort: "You need either Windows 95 or Win32s to run this."
Customer: "I HAVE THIRTY ONE! WHY WON’T IT WORK?"
Tech Support: "Ma’am, your computer is too old. Buy a new one with Windows 95."
Customer: "I’ve heard about Windows Three Hundred and Eleven. Wouldn’t that be better than Ninety Five?"

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Testing for Development-Archetypes
Nobody can deny that the goal of software development is to produce the highest quality product possible. The only way to ensure that quality is through extensive testing.
Therefore, the following testing programs will be implemented as additions to the regularly scheduled regression testing:
Aggression Testing: Punching all developers with an open bug.
Confession Testing: All developers must admit what they either cannot do or have blown off.
Digression Testing: Developers and analysts must change the subject and ramble when the topic of bugs comes up.
Repression Testing: All developers must tell everyone who they secretly want to kill.
Oppression Testing: All developers will be required to work 24 hours a day until all bugs are fixed.
Depression Testing: All developers must explain which bugs make them sad, and why.
Succession Testing: Developers must be able to name the chain of command in the event that a PM dies.
Hessian Testing: QA will be redone by German mercenaries.
Joe Pescian Testing: All functions to be tested by a hot-headed Mafioso.
Please see your PM to get your testing schedule.

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Dem compooters
We’ve heard the Redneck and Cajun versions - nor for Norwegian, yah?
01. BYTE: how Lena stops Ole’s advances.
02. LOG ON: dats how ya make da vood stove hotter.
03. LOG OFF: vhat Sven vas trying to do vhen he burnt his hands terrible.
04. MONITOR: keep an eye on da vood stove.
05. MEGAHERTZ: ven a big log drops on your foot.
06. COMPACT DISK: vhat ya get from lifting logs dat’s too heavy.
07. FLOPPY DISK: vhat da lefse looks like vhen it’s cooked yust right.
08. RAM: da hydraulic ting dat makes da voodsplitter vork.
09. DRIVE: how you get home ven da snow’s not too deep.
10. HARD DRIVE: dat’s vhen you’re going to Madison vhen da snow’s deep.
11. PROMPT: vhat ya vish da mail vas during da snow season.
12. ENTER: vhen ya come on in!
13. WINDOWS: vhat ya shut vhen it gets 10 below out.
14. SCREEN: vaht ya gotta have in blackfly season.
15. CHIP: vhat ya munch on during da Packer’s game.
16. MICROCHIP: vhat’s left in da bottom of da bag vhen da big ones are gone.
17. MODEM: vhat ve did to da hayfields last yuly.
18. DOT MATRIX: Lars Matrix’s vife.
19. LAPTOP: vhere da grandkids sit.
20. KEYBOARD: vher ya suppose to put da keys so da Missus can find em.
21. SOFTWARE: da plastic picnic utinsils.
22. HARDWARE: vhen da missus starches da undervare.
23. MOUSE: vhat leaves dem —— in da cupboard.
24. MAINFRAME: da part of da outhouse dat holds up da roof.
25. SERIAL PORT: vhere da vheaties come from by boat to Stoton.
UFF DA!!

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If Only Life Could Be Like a Computer
If you messed up your life, you could press "Alt, Ctrl, Delete" and start all over!
To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!
If you needed a break from life, click on "suspend".
Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.
To "add/remove" someone in your life, click settings and control panel.
To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.
If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
When you lose your car keys, click on "find".
We could click on "send" and the kids would go to bed immediately.
To feel like a new person, click on "refresh".
Click on "close" to shut up the kids and spouse.
To undo a mistake, click on "back".
If you don’t like cleaning the litter box, click on "delete".

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Behind Schedule
The program manager couldn’t grasp the idea of gathering requirements at the start of a project. "At a project kickoff meeting, which he had neglected to actually invite the customer to, we had a lot of discussion around what the software we were creating was supposed to do," says a programmer on the team. "I suggested putting together a requirements teleconference with the customer to clarify their ideas and goals." PM’s response? "I was told we were already behind schedule and didn’t have time to meet with the customer

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No Sound Support
I recently purchased a new PC from one of the major computer manufacturers. I
placed my order via the web but asked for them to call me for my credit card information. So, after a couple days of phone tag, I got in touch with the saleswoman handling my account. I was thinking I’d just give her my credit card number and be on my way.
Almost.
Saleswoman: “Do you realize that the modem you’ve chosen doesn’t have sound support?”
Customer: “What exactly does a ‘modem with no sound support’ mean?”
Saleswoman: “It means that if you go to a web page that has a movie or sound file, you
won’t be able to hear it.”
Customer: “What does the modem have to do with that?”
Saleswoman: “Well, sir, the modem is what connects your computer to the Internet.”
Customer: “So, you’re telling me that this particular modem scans the TCP/IP packets
passing through it for those belonging to any sound application and filters them out?”
Saleswoman: “Yes.”
Customer: “How does it accomplish this feat?”
Saleswoman: “I’m not technical enough to answer that. Please hold.”
I stayed on hold for five minutes and hung up

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Top 10 Signs Your PC Isn’t Top Of The Line
10. The monitor is certified for low emissions by JiffyLube.
9. The logo on your receipt: International House of Lame Computers.
8. You see the salesman you bought it from hawking genuine Rolexes on street corners.
7. The sound board and speakers are a separate unit, and they receive only AM.
6. The ad slogan: Ronald McDonald just grew up.
5. It has only two expansion slots, and they just popped up a couple of rounds of toast.
4. It’s labeled "energy saving" only because there’s no power supply.
3. You just got another one with your Happy Meal.
2. The infrared cordless keyboard has only 15 keys, and one of them is marked Fast Forward.
1. The sticker reads "nothing of value inside

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