Lovely Joke

Ethical Behavior
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer.
"If I lose this case, I’ll be ruined."
"It’s in the judge’s hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of
cigars?"
"Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical
behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in
contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn’t even smile at the judge."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.
As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"
"I’m sure we would have lost the case if
you’d sent them." "But, I did send them."
"What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously.
"Yes. That’s how we won the case."
"I don’t understand," said the lawyer.
"It’s easy. I sent the cigars to the judge,
but enclosed the plaintiff’s business card.

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Failed Sunblock
"S.A. Schapiro of Milwaukee is suing the Nivea skin-care company because its sunblock failed to keep him from getting sunburned on his vacation,"says Premiere Morning Sickness. "If he wins this one, he plans to sue God for making the Earth too close to the sun

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Cross Examination
A Columbia lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness when he
stopped and said, “Your honor, a juror is asleep.”
The Judge ruled, “You put him to sleep; YOU wake him up

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Nervous Witness
An uncertain and nervous witness was being cross-examined. The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married?"
"Yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice. "Once."
"Whom did you marry?"
"Well, a woman."
The lawyer bellowed angrily, "Of course you married a woman. Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?"
To which the witness replied meekly, "My sister did.

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Cracks in the Sidewalk
Wisconsin — A man who drank 13 cocktails then tripped on his way out of a golf course bar, sued the gold course and was awarded $41,000 because there were cracks in the sidewalk. (No word if he’ll use it for a down payment on his bar tab

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Cross Examination
A lawyer cross-examined the adversary’s main witness. “You claim to have stopped
by Mrs. Edwards’ house just after breakfast. Will you tell the jury what she said?”
“Objection, your honor,” shouted the other lawyer.
There then followed a long argument between the lawyers as to whether the question was
proper.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the judge allowed it. “So,” the first lawyer continued, “Please, answer the question. What did Mrs. Edwards say when you went to her house after breakfast on December 3rd?”
“Nothing,” said the witness. “No one was home.”

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A pickpocket in court
A pickpocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes.
The judge said, "Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100."
The lawyer stood up and said, "Thank you, your honor. My client only has $75 on him at
this time, but if you’d allow him a few minutes in the crowd.

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Rare birds
A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:
Judge: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"
Man: "Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, I’ll explain what happened."
Judge: "Proceed."
Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn’t had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."
Judge: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony."
15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.
Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn’t intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don’t mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?"
Man: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl

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Judge’s Announcement
A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel and says, "Before I begin this
trial, I have an announcement to make. The lawyer for the defense has paid me $15,000 to swing the case his way. The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me $10,000 to swing the case her way. In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5,000 to the defense.

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Four Lawyers
The judge faced the defendant and said, "This is not an ordinary case and it must be argued very carefully, so I’m going
to let you have four lawyers."

The defendant answered, "Instead of four lawyers, sir, could you hunt up just one good witness?

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