Lovely Joke

Jack’s Will
Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads Jack’s last will and testament:
"To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and one million dollars. To my son Barry, I leave my big Lexus and the Jaguar. To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000. And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my sun lamp.

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Suddenness of Death
The good Father was warning his listeners about the suddenness of death. "Before another day is ended," he thundered, "somebody in this parish will die."
Seated in the front row was a little old Irishman who laughed out loud at this statement.
Very angry, the priest said to the jovial old man, "What’s so funny?"
"Well!" spoke up the oldster, "I’m not a member of this parish.

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My Last Will…
The lawyer was reading out the Will of Sam Rosenblatt, a rich man, to those people mentioned in the Will:
"To my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in the rough times, as well as the good, the house and $2 million.
"To my daughter Sahra, who looked after me in illness and kept the business going, the yacht, the business, and $1 million.
" To my nephew Irving, my 2 Jaguars, and my winter home in Aspen.
"And to my cousin Morris, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would not remember him in my Will, you were wrong again Morris !
So Hello Morris!

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Give Daddy the best funeral
Two fellows grew up in the mountains, and when they were grown, one of them said he was going up North to seek his fortune. The other one said he’d stay home and look after
the farm and their parents. The one up North became a salesman, soon was sales
manager, and then vice president and president of the company. Before long, his
business was bought out by a big company out West. In a little while, he became president of the parent company.
One day he got a call from his brother on the farm, who said, “Daddy died, and the
funeral is Friday.”
He said, “Oh, my goodness. I have to leave Thursday for a big merger meeting in Japan. I just can’t come, but I want you to give Daddy the best funeral you can get and
send the bill to me. It’s the least I can do.”
Well, the brother did that, and in a few weeks, the successful brother received
a bill for $6,000, and he paid it. The following month, a bill for $100 came. Thinking they had forgotten something, he paid it. The next month, another bill for $100 came, and he paid that one, too. When another $100 bill arrived the third month, he called his brother and asked why he was getting these bills.
“Oh, yes,” the brother said, “I think I know. See, when we got Daddy all dressed
up in his old serge suit in that new casket with that polished wood and satin lining, he
just didn’t look right, and since you said you wanted the best, we rented him a tuxedo.

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A grief-stricken man
A grief-stricken man threw himself on a grave and cried bitterly, "My life, oh how senseless is it! How worthless everything about me, because you are gone. If only you had lived, if only fate had not been so cruel as to take you from this world, how everything would have been different!"
A clergyman nearby overheard him and said, "I assume the person lying beneath this mound of earth was someone of great importance to you."
"Importance? Indeed it was," wept the man. "It’s my wife’s first husband

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Miriam was dying
Miriam was dying and on her deathbed, she gave final instructions to her husband Sidney. "Sidney, you’ve been so good to me all these years. I know you never even thought about another woman. But now that I’m going, I want you to marry again as soon as is possible and I want you to give your new wife all my expensive clothes."
"I can’t do that, darling," Sidney said. "You’re a size 16 and she’s only a 10.

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Last Wishes
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.
"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"
"Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.

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A lawyer’s wife dies
A lawyer’s wife dies. At the cemetery, people are appalled to see that the tombstone reads, “Here lies Phyllis, wife of Murray, L.L.D., Wills, Divorce, Malpractice.”
Suddenly, Murray bursts into tears. His brother says, “You should cry, pulling a stunt like this!”
Through his tears, Murray croaks, “You don’t understand! They left out the phone number!

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Ole died
Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.
Lena replied, "You yust put ’Ole died’."
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That’s it? Just ’Ole died?’ Surely, there must be something more you’d like to say about Ole. If its money you’re concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more."
So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put ’Ole died. Boat for sale.’

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A Double Funeral
Pat and Mike were lifelong friends and unfortunately Pat passed away unexpectedly. Mike was so devastated by the passing of his friend that he too died. Due to the fact that they were so close, their widows decided to bury them in a single ceremony. When their widows were making arrangements for their burials, Pat’s wife instructed the funeral director to dress Pat in his
brown suit and Mike’s wife instructed him to dress Mike in his blue suit.
Just minutes prior to beginning of the wake the wives wanted to make sure the director had followed their orders, and much to their dismay, they discovered that Pat was in a blue suit and Mike was in a brown suit. They expressed their displeasure to the director and demanded the situation be corrected
immediately. The director told them that he would take care of it but needed five minutes.
In less than the prescribed time, the director called the widows back into the room and showed them Pat in his brown suit and Mike in his blue suit. The widows were surprised at the fact that the director could manage this feat in such a short period of time and were thanking him for his help.
The director said "It really wasn’t much of a problem, I just switched their heads"

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