Lovely Joke

Pointed Observations…
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.
You can’t have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway

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Deep Thoughts
Aren’t all questions answerable?

Before they invented drawing boards what did they go back to?

Can you confuse an open mind with one that is just vacant?

Can you ever get tired of sleeping?

Could you explain what would Happen if in a Book the First Page said Everything in the Book Including the First Page was False?

Does a Bridge go Over Water or does Water go Under a Bridge?

Does a sense of humor bestow an evolutionary advantage?

Does an existentialist map have ’You are here’ written all over it?

Ever notice how hindsight’s so much better than foresight? And do you think we’d save time if we walked in hindsight first?

Have you noticed that nostalgia isn’t what it used to be?

How come things were so different before everything changed?

How many loud speakers does it take to proclaim the dropping of a pin?

If hind-sight is 20/20 does that make Heinz-sight 57/57?

If nothing is the opposite of everything just what is it?

If we live in a man-made world why can’t we remake it?

If we still can’t find out how long a piece of string is how are we going to find out how long a rope is?

If you didn’t have problems would you need people around to help solve them? Conversely if you didn’t have people around would you have any problems?

Is a mistake evidence that at least someone tried?

Is it not better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up it?

Is it possible to have deja vu and amnesia at the same time?

Is it possible to proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means?

Is it true that nothing is so perfect that someone somewhere will hate it?

Is the difference between theory and practice in practice greater than the difference between theory and practice in theory?

Is the ’last laugh’ the best laugh? Or is it just an ominous sign of disaster about to hit?

Is there a difference between a philosophy and a bumper sticker?

Is there such a thing as a rhetorical answer?

Isn’t it true that for every silver lining there has to be a cloud?

Isn’t paradise exactly where you are right now only much much better?

Isn’t philosophy just a battle against the bewitchment of our intelligence by means of language?

Isn’t the real reason Man is the highest form of animal because he also does the classifying?

So just what ARE time flies? And why do they fly like an ARROW?

Was philosophy invented just to explain obscure art?

What’s the sound a name makes when it’s dropped?

Which is worse ignorance or apathy?

Why do we sometimes say that someone is Dumber than a Sack of Hammers?
Is a sack full of hammers dumber than just one hammer? If so then this implies that a hammer has intelligence doesn’t it?

Why does everything become a "something" or a "whatever"?

Why is change inevitable in everything except a vending machine?

Why is it that everything comes to him who waits except a loaned book?

Why is it that the things that should be obvious aren’t obvious at all?

Why would you want to take the high road or the low road when there’s so many nice level roads to take?

Will there be answers after there are no more questions?

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Life Changing Thoughts
* Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
* If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos…..then you probably haven’t completely understood the seriousness of the
situation.
* Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
* Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
* Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
* Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
* A person who smiles in the face of adversity…..probably has a scapegoat.
* Plagiarism saves time.
* If at first you don’t succeed, try management.
* Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
* TEAMWORK…..means never having to take all the blame yourself.
* Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
* INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

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Made You Think
Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn’t help me.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I went to a general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.
I bought some powdered water, but I didn’t know what to add.
I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I’m home now, but leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out."
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how to get out.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.
I photocopied a mirror. Now I have an extra photocopy machine

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Deep Thoughts
Before Columbus’ discovery why did mankind think the Earth was flat?

Doesn’t the Bible in Isaiah 40-22 state that the Earth is a sphere?

Do brainstorms come with thunder and lightning?

Does anyone ever stop to think that maybe just maybe this question is totally pointless?

Does thought depend on language?

Don’t you think that a hunch is just creativity trying to tell you something?

Don’t you think that if everybody thinks nobody rules yet if somebody rules the rest are not permitted to think?

Have you ever stopped to think and forget to start again?

How can you think out loud?

How deep does a thought have to be to be a deep thought?

How do we know if it’s later than we think?

How do we know if we’re thinking straight?

How does one ’pay attention’? Any do they accept Visa?

If great minds really think alike then what makes them so great?

If two people look at each other and both say at the same time ’Are you thinking what I’m thinking?’ then isn’t the answer yes?

If we all thought alike then would any of us be really thinking?

If you come to a conclusion where have you been? And did you make a left turn or a right turn?

If you could really think of and do absolutely nothing for a moment where would you be at that precise moment? And would you know it?

If you think your indecisive how can you be sure?

If your mind is stretched by a new idea does it ever regain its original dimensions?

In cartoons when a person gets an idea a light bulb pops up above their head. But what popped up when Thomas Edison got the idea for the light bulb?

Is a conclusion simply the place where you got tired of thinking?

Is it possible to think of Nothing?

Is it true that someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world?

Is the only reason some people get lost in thought because it’s unfamiliar territory?

Isn’t an idle mind the best way to relax?

Isn’t Public Opinion just what people think other people are thinking?

Once a thought has crossed your mind where does it go? And where was it before?

Wasn’t it common sense that led people to believe the world was flat?

What if you thought a thought, but the thought you thought wasn’t the thought that you thought you thought?

What would happen if you had two half baked ideas at the same time?

When you jump to conclusions where do you take off from? Where do you land? How long are you in the air? How far off the ground do you have to get? And are you going for distance or height?

Where do conclusions begin? And can they be continued?

Why are the worst or stupidest ideas always the most popular?

Why do a great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices?

Why do people scratch their heads when they are thinking hard?

Why has someone else always thought of it first?

Why is it that no matter if we think we can do it or we think we can’t we’re right?

Why is it that the harder you try to think the more difficult it is?

Why is it that when you are trying to think of something you can’t but when you don’t want to think of something you can’t get it out of your mind?

Why must everything require thought?

Will you always come to a conclusion if you jump to one?

Would you have to think twice before giving something a second thought?

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Even More Deep thoughts . . .
Don’t be irreplaceable; if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
It’s always darkest before dawn. So, if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your mouth is moving.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "good doggie" while looking for a bigger stick.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands

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Applicable Laws
Lerman’s Law of Technology:
Any technical problem can be overcome given
enough time and money.
Corollary:
You are never given enough time or money.
Law of the Search:
The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it.
Corollary:
It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.
Kaufman’s Paradox of the Corporation:
The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
The Salary Axiom:
The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
Miller’s Law of Insurance:
Insurance covers everything except what happens.
First Law of Living:
As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you’ll want to be doing something else.
Weiner’s Law of Libraries:
There are no answers, only cross-references.
Isaac’s Strange Rule of Staleness:
Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
Kenny’s Law of Auto Repair:
The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.
Second Law of Business Meetings:
If there are two possible ways to spell a person’s name, you will pick the wrong one.
Corollary -
If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway.
The Grocery Bag Law:
The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
Yeager’s Law: Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle.
Corollary:
All breakdowns occur on the plumber’s day off.
Lampner’s Law of Employment:
When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
Quile’s Consultation Law:
The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.
Loftus’ Law:
Some people manage by the book, even though they don’t know who wrote the book or even which book it is.
Lovka’s Dilemma:
You never get away, you only get someplace else

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Some Vague Thoughts
Vanity Plates seen on a Mercedes Benz in California - WAS HIS
Wealthy people miss one of life’s greatest thrills - Making the last car payment.
The trouble with Sunday drivers is, they don’t drive any better during the week.
If you can’t keep a secret, you don’t need to know it.
Quote from the boss: "I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."
If you want the world to beat a path to your door, just try to take a nap on a Saturday afternoon.
Measure wealth not by the things you have, but by the things you have for which you would not take money.
When your dreams turn to dust, it’s time to vacuum.
Is your holier side your altar ego?
I need someone to refresh my memory. How many cars are allowed through an intersection after the light turns red? Is it three or five?
What’s dumber, expecting educators to be entertaining, or expecting entertainment to be educational?

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Deep Thoughts about Women
Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?
Why is it that no matter what colour of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?
How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?
Why do we wash BATH towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them? If not then what was the purpose of the bath?
Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say ’It’s all right’? It isn’t all right, so why don’t we say, ’That hurt, you stupid idiot?’
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?
In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?
Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men?
Why is it that inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the heck happened?
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend and a dog is man’s best friend, who really is the dumber sex?
Why are the needy only thought of during the holidays? Aren’t they just as needy throughout the rest of the year?
Why is it that men can react to broken bones as ’just a sprain’ and deep wounds as ’just a scratch,’ but when they get the sniffles they are deathly ill ’with the flu’ and have to be bedridden for weeks?
How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?
Why do men forget everything and women remember everything?
Do Chinese people get hungry an hour after they eat American food?
Shouldn’t all married men forget their mistakes? After all there’s no sense in two people remembering the same things right?
Is the real reason women live longer then men because they don’t have to live with women?
If at first you don’t succeed, shouldn’t you try doing it like your wife told you to

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Some Good Ones
1. Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
2. Talk is cheap because supply exceeds the demand.
3. Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
4. Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.
5. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They both should be changed regularly and for the same reason.
6. It’s easier to fight for ones’ principles than to live up to them.
7. I don’t mind going anywhere as long as it’s an interesting path.
8. Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
9. It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
10. If it ain’t broke, fix it till it is.
11. I don’t get even, I get older.
12. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
13. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
14. I am a nutritional overachiever.
15. My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
16. I am having an out of money experience.
17. I am in shape. round is a shape.
18. Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
19. A day without sunshine is like night.
20. If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
21. Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
22. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
23. Time may be a great healer, but it’s also a lousy beautician.
24. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
25. You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.

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