Lovely Joke

Normal people believe that if it isn’t broke, don’t fix it.
Engineers believe that if it isn’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.

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1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum.
2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
- ’66 Ford Fairlane
- ’69 Chevrolet Chevelle
- ’64 Pontiac GTO
3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?
4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2×8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man’s land?
8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?
9. A Coal Mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?
10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?

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There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines.
They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service.
They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:
"One chalk mark $1. Knowing where to put it $49,999"

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Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefit’s package."
The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"
And the HR Person said, "Certainly, …but you started it."

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A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
Engineer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don’t know but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!
Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let’s have a word with him.
Priest: Hi George. Say George, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow aren’t they?
George: Oh yes. That’s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight hile saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!
(silence)
Priest: That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.
Engineer: Why can’t these guys play at night?

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Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They’re heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and their tails are interchangeable."
The fifth surgeon says "I like engineers . They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."

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Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did
you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied,
"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful
woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her
clothes and said, "Take what you want."
"The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes
probably wouldn’t have fit."

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Law #1: In any calculation, any error which can creep in will do so.
Law #2: Any error in any calculation will be in the direction of most harm.
Law #3: In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from engineering handbooks) are to be treated as variables.
Law #4: The best approximation of service conditions in the laboratory will not begin to meet those conditions encountered in actual service.
Law #5: The most vital dimension on any plan drawing stands the most chance of being omitted.
Law #6: If only one bid can be secured on any project, the price will be unreasonable.
Law #7: If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent production units will malfunction.
Law #8: All delivery promises must be multiplied by a factor of 2.0.
Law #9: Major changes in construction will always be requested after fabrication is nearly complete.
Law #10: Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
Law #11: Interchangeable parts won’t.
Law #12: Manufacturer’s specifications of performance should be multiplied by a factor of 0.5.
Law #13: Salespeople’s claims for performance should be multiplied by a factor of 0.25.
Law #14: Installation and Operating Instructions shipped with the device will be promptly discarded by the Receiving Department.
Law #15: Any device requiring service or adjustment will be the least accessible.
Law #16: Service conditions as given on specifications will be exceeded.
Law #17: If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault.
Law #18: Identical units which test in an identical fashion will not behave in an identical fashion in the field.
Law #19: If, in engineering practice, a safety factor is sent through the service experience at an ultimate value, an ingenious idiot will promptly calculate a method to exceed said safety factor.
Law #20: Warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by payment of the invoice.
Law #21: The rule for engineers: "Change the data to fit the curve."

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Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

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. choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or upgrading your RAM is a moral dilemma.
… you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.
… in college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.
… the salespeople at the local computer store can’t answer any of your questions.
… at an air show you know how fast the skydivers are falling.
… you bought your wife a new CD-ROM drive for her birthday.
… you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
… you can type 70 words per minute but can’t read your own handwriting.
… you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
… you sit backwards on the Disneyland rides to see how they do the special effects.
… you have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.
… you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
… you know what http:// stands for.
… you look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids’ toys together.
… you see a good design and still have to change it.
… you spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.
… you still own a slide rule and know how to use it.
… you think that people yawning around you are sleep deprived.
… you window shop at Radio Shack.
… your laptop computer costs more than your car.
… your wife hasn’t the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
… you’ve already calculated how much you make per second.
… you’ve tried to repair a $5 radio.

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