MANAGER (five-and-ten-cent store)—”What did the lady who just went out want?”

SHOPGIRL—"She inquired if we had a shoe department."

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I’m sorry but my answering machine is out of order. I am leaving a broken CD player in its place. It can’t take messages either. In fact, it can’t even play you a nice tune while you wait to not leave a message.

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Hello. I’m home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

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If you are calling for John, press 1. If you are calling for Steve, press 1. If you are calling for John OR Steve, press 1. If you are calling for someone else, press 1. If…

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OK, one more time… This is our answering machine… This is the message on our answering machine… Any questions?

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Hello, we are all currently home, but someone stole our phone… And the recording tape from this answering machine. So you can’t reach us until we either find a phone or get a tape. If you had to waste a quarter on this call… Sorry.

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Yo. I ain’t here at the moment. Leave a message at that silly beep and I’ll get back… (Sniff, sniff…) Hey, what are you cooking? It smells good.

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You have reached 555-5555. Please hold while I process your call. (Pause.) Our extremely sophisticated computer system performed a trace on your number and was able to match it with our list of important callers. None of our staff is authorized to speak with you except for Fred, who is not here right now. Please leave your name phone number and a brief message at the tone. Thank you for calling and have a nice day.

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I am gathering the world’s largest collection of responses to an answering machine. If you would like to help, please leave a notarized copy of your name, number, and today’s date at the sound of the beep. When I’m famous I’ll remember all the little people like you that helped me achieve my greatness. I might even include you in my memoirs.

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Thank you for calling Uncle Tom’s Mortuary and Delicatessen. You stab ’em and we slab ’em. We have specials on Mondays and Thursdays. We are currently unable to come to the phone, but if you leave your number and address at the tone, we’ll be by to pick up the corpse as soon as possible.

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